What happen when your dream is taken away from you? Initially when I heard the news I was surprise but delighted. My heart skips a beat. I thought this is it! I am going to get married. Enthusiasm rush all over my body, I thought my time is here! I imagine myself dwelling over church wedding, wedding gown that I am going to wear. The joy and proud looks from my parents, relatives and friends are there to support us. I could not contain my smile. It feels like I am reading a novel! But this is going to be my fairy tale! I could not imagine my disappointment when I heard the news that we are not going to get married just yet. I could not contain my disappointment and feel so embarrass to put myself in this situation. Why should I put so high hope when there is no concrete conversation on this? I mean, I should have known! After all, he has yet to propose. I keep on blaming myself for that. This whole thing means the world to me. This is the moment that I have been waiting. I finally stop people from asking me “when are you getting married?” I am just so sick of that question. Day by day, family members, friends asking me this question and all I could answer are not yet. People keep on telling me especially family members on how should I proceed with my future. I get annoyed sometimes. I feel like telling them, “Look, is not me who do not want to get married! But I am not the guy who proposed!” I wanted to get married too! I wanted to start family, to have kids. But I have no choice but to keep quiet and wait. If you ask me, how long you need to wait, I don’t know! And stop asking me. I could not share my pain with anybody else, not even with the person I love the most. I have told him several times, I do not want him to think that I am rushing him. I also do not want him to marry me just because I am rushing him, it is just not right. All I can do is suffer in silence.
Things do not help when my dad test result does not improve. The mental tortures worsen. This is not supposed to be like this. I wanted my wedding to be the best, to be the happiest moment of my life and this does not look anything like that. I wanted to enjoy everything that I had now and embrace the moment where he asked my hand on marriage. Worries overcome me every time. My dream wedding is to walk down the aisle with my dad on my side, he will give me away. As much as I wanted to have this dream wedding, I am worried that by then, my dad is not going to be with me anymore. Just recently, dad’s doctor had given up on him. I was shock to hear that, he mention that my dad could not be cured. He also had decided to accept Christ and had agreed to be Baptist. Praise the Lord. I have contacted Fr. Paulino to make special arrangement with him. He needs to get back to me on this. All I can do now is to pray to Lord that he will be with us longer. Recently when he came back, he had spoken to me about me & my mom relationship. I have agreed to take up his advice to me put the past behind us and move forward. He has a great heart. He always has our best interest in his mind.
I just want to be strong do not break down in any circumstances. If he can protect all of us, I could battle this too. I do not want this matter to ruin my future big day. I have read some of the magazines that those women have been waiting for so long for the big day and finally when it comes; it feels like “finally” or “at least”. I do not want this feeling to happen to me. I want to be happy and special. I know every time I ruin surprises, this is the greatest surprise that had really ruined me. I always remember, there are only 2 surprises that I love the most so far, first is for him to be my boyfriend and second surprises is my birthday present.
The disappointment will go off hopefully. I just need time to recover from this mess. So for the time being, I do not want to hear any question about married. It is not fun to have 1 day of full happiness and the other day of sorrow.
Xoxo
Adriana