Old me, New me

It is ironic that when I read my last post, I have the same problem even now. The same exact problem you might ask?? Yes, I do! D and I always had the same argument that I do not know how to priorities things and I do not take responsible for the action that I did wrong. Well, before today, i would not have agreed with that bcoz of my hard headed mind. But after think it over for the night, I do agree with him. The reason behind this? Well, I guess I am too comfortable on where I am now. I never took up challenges anymore. I forgot to be the old me who strive to be the best in everything. I would not let other people pass me in any competition, if they do, I make sure I run and pass them back! I set targets, I strive to be the best. Then where is the old me? I never brought this up during our argument. Just blaming myself for how useless am I to think that this part of behavior, a positive behavior that I had, had lost in transition of all the bad behavior that I have. I used to be in-charge in everything! In making decisions for both parties when it comes to relationship, but where am I today? I am the one nodding and just leave the decision making to someone else.

Lets face it, my parents had given me just enough and I need to gain the extra. But when a prince charming come to rescue, I feel it is OK for me to be sluggish. Apparently not. I might come to realize it sooner or later, but the main point here is to wake up! Prince charming want that competitive side of me too!

Its time to strive and gain past glory.

Xoxo

Awaken the giant in me

I remember not too long ago, a friend of mine told me about a book and how the book had change her life. She also told me a life changing experience. That time I thought, how ironic. Its not that I don't believe in such book, but is the person's who told me her experience. Now, to think back, i feel ashame to have such thought on her. No people should judge others except his/her own. Looking back at my own life, it is not so great either. Sometimes, I must say I makes my life looks excited, but the truth I feel like i have no control of my life. I feel like I am on a roller coster ride. And when I am in the middle of this, it suddenly hit me, I have no more & 'giant' in me. I have no more passion in life. I don't think about the future anymore, no 5 years plan, no more target to achieve. I suddenly realise where the Adriana that I know? The one full with fire, passion & motivation drive? I feel like I am going backward! I am turning myself into the young naive Adriana when I used to work in Parlo Tours. All I know is to depend on him. I am holding the edge of my life. I am rethinking over. What will happen when he is not there for me? I always walk down the memory lane of my past success. Why so? Is it because there is no glory days now? I am dangerously standing at the edge of the fallen. What should I do to re-awake the giant in me?

Everytime I feel like we are doing alright, it will take turn to bad. I woder when are we going to the next level? or am I always going to be in this level? Why other people got their chance, but not me? Do you think I am not ready yet? What should I do?

Renewed in the name of Lord

Today has been a busy day. I only have 1 week left before I go for my Europe trip. It a bitter sweet experience preparing for my long awaited trip. It seems not real but I know when the days go by, it will be real somehow. I recall my last trip to KLIA, even though I am in the boarding area, I could not step to the plane as my purpose there was to attend Bvlgari launch. I recall feeling excited that a few weeks later; I’ll be going to Europe, the place that I dreamt most of the time. But this is not a dream. This is reality. All excitement overcomes me when I think about this journey. But the anxiety took another part of me. The feeling of uncertainty and scared, scared of not knowing what will happen there and when the thought of going UK alone and what would I do there, I need to go there alone. I just pray to God to calm me down. I believe in Him as I know he will take care of me in every step that I take. Today, I did a very good thing for myself. I am proud and happy that I did it. I feel free and I can believe again. As one of my friend mention the other day, I would like to collect prayer petition and help others by praying their petition up to the Lord. Every church that I go, I will pray 3 petitions. Helping others is how I want to improve my life there. I feel renewed and I am blessed with good health and with good people around me. I am blessed that I could go to Europe in such a young age. Thank you Lord for blessing me with so many things in life, now I would like to forward my blessing by collecting petition and pray for those who need praying.

Xoxo

Adriana

Appreciate things in life

Today is the last day of the 5 days holiday that I have. This holiday has been wonderful! It makes me feel that the people surround you, friends that you have surround you, and you know which one is the friend that will be there for you when you need them the most. This year celebration has been different from last year, although both years, I did not get to celebrate with my honey bunny, but it has been an eye opener for me. I didn’t expect much from my friends, but they surprised me! They took time out to have a quiet chill out time with me, have dinner and buy me presents as well! We talk for hours, and we grow closer. Thank you all for making my 26^th birthday a successful one.

Today however the last day of the holiday, its best to take time off from the hectic schedule from the past few days and to reflect and to think what has been going on. Now while listening to the sweet melody of Yiruma songs, things has been great from the past few weeks even though there’s minor hiccup here and there, but I did enjoy the past 2 weeks. Looking forward to the next 2 weeks, it’s going to be a busy one, with only 2 weeks more before I go to Budapest. List of things to do has been written out, progress so far so good. I can’t believe I am leaving Malaysia for 4 months! This trip has given me a mixed of excitement and also uncertainty. Excitement – I got to travel to Europe and to travel together with my honey bunny! Europe is my dream place and the best part is I got to go to England, the place I wanted to go for long long time! Uncertainty – I have never been away from Malaysia for such a long time and not across the world! Furthermore, I do not know how it feels when other people are paying for all your expenses.

While I am there, I plan to take up creative writing course. I want to take up this course for long time already, but it has not been fulfilled so far. Since I’ll be staying in England or other non-schengen area for at least 1 month, why not utilize this time to take up course that I would like to take up for quite some time. Now I am not sure how the arrangement should go, either to take up student visa which unable me to work there or use my existing travel visa to study. How long does it take to apply student visa? Which country I would like to stay in, England, Scotland or Ireland? More research needs to be done.

Tomorrow is another working day. I wish I could have a longer holiday. But it’s ok, I know after this holiday I am going to have 4 months holiday. Time to countdown my Europe trip!

Xoxo

Adriana

A news that give me a new life and shattered my dream

What happen when your dream is taken away from you? Initially when I heard the news I was surprise but delighted. My heart skips a beat. I thought this is it! I am going to get married. Enthusiasm rush all over my body, I thought my time is here! I imagine myself dwelling over church wedding, wedding gown that I am going to wear. The joy and proud looks from my parents, relatives and friends are there to support us. I could not contain my smile. It feels like I am reading a novel! But this is going to be my fairy tale! I could not imagine my disappointment when I heard the news that we are not going to get married just yet. I could not contain my disappointment and feel so embarrass to put myself in this situation. Why should I put so high hope when there is no concrete conversation on this? I mean, I should have known! After all, he has yet to propose. I keep on blaming myself for that. This whole thing means the world to me. This is the moment that I have been waiting. I finally stop people from asking me “when are you getting married?” I am just so sick of that question. Day by day, family members, friends asking me this question and all I could answer are not yet. People keep on telling me especially family members on how should I proceed with my future. I get annoyed sometimes. I feel like telling them, “Look, is not me who do not want to get married! But I am not the guy who proposed!” I wanted to get married too! I wanted to start family, to have kids. But I have no choice but to keep quiet and wait. If you ask me, how long you need to wait, I don’t know! And stop asking me. I could not share my pain with anybody else, not even with the person I love the most. I have told him several times, I do not want him to think that I am rushing him. I also do not want him to marry me just because I am rushing him, it is just not right. All I can do is suffer in silence.

Things do not help when my dad test result does not improve. The mental tortures worsen. This is not supposed to be like this. I wanted my wedding to be the best, to be the happiest moment of my life and this does not look anything like that. I wanted to enjoy everything that I had now and embrace the moment where he asked my hand on marriage. Worries overcome me every time. My dream wedding is to walk down the aisle with my dad on my side, he will give me away. As much as I wanted to have this dream wedding, I am worried that by then, my dad is not going to be with me anymore. Just recently, dad’s doctor had given up on him. I was shock to hear that, he mention that my dad could not be cured. He also had decided to accept Christ and had agreed to be Baptist. Praise the Lord. I have contacted Fr. Paulino to make special arrangement with him. He needs to get back to me on this. All I can do now is to pray to Lord that he will be with us longer. Recently when he came back, he had spoken to me about me & my mom relationship. I have agreed to take up his advice to me put the past behind us and move forward. He has a great heart. He always has our best interest in his mind.

I just want to be strong do not break down in any circumstances. If he can protect all of us, I could battle this too. I do not want this matter to ruin my future big day. I have read some of the magazines that those women have been waiting for so long for the big day and finally when it comes; it feels like “finally” or “at least”. I do not want this feeling to happen to me. I want to be happy and special. I know every time I ruin surprises, this is the greatest surprise that had really ruined me. I always remember, there are only 2 surprises that I love the most so far, first is for him to be my boyfriend and second surprises is my birthday present.

The disappointment will go off hopefully. I just need time to recover from this mess. So for the time being, I do not want to hear any question about married. It is not fun to have 1 day of full happiness and the other day of sorrow.

Xoxo

Adriana

Lesson to be learned

Today I have been talking to a person I respect the most. I have learn lessons and inside stories on what is going on the other person's life. When I talked to her, I know she feels frustrated over what is going on with her son and she could not do anything to help. Neither does she has the power to say it out loud as fearing the hurt in the person around her. She has been straggling over an issue with the his wife. Not knowing the matter, makes the situation worst. Listening to her stories, I can feel that the sadness in her eyes has nearly turn into tears. Hearing her said that her son is unfairly treated numerous times, makes it difficult for her. This has been going on for quite sometime, and there are no improvement.

I am surprise how big difference in personality with the person in the family. I recall each members personality. The one that i know is strong, outspoken, know how to take charge and know what he is doing. He is lovely gentleman. I am surprise to hear that other member are bullied by their wife. I have read these stories on the books or magazines, but never encounter a real life stories. I know my life would not be like that or should I say never. I do not wish to be like that too. I wanted to be a lovely lady with a gentle and big heart who protects anything that will harm her family. It is hard to see that you are not fit into the new family you are going into. I wish the wife will change one day for the best interest of everybody and also herself.

I have learn to put unhappy things in the past and start over. Baby steps is all it takes to build up the broken bridges. Lets look forward for a happy and fulfilling life. For sure, I would not want to add anything into her misery and I plague to be a good daughter, girlfriend, wife, daughter in law, mother (in the future).

xoxo

Adriana

I wish I have more freedom from myself

I am so frustrated today. It has been long and tiring day. Long as in I done a lot of things today. But it is rewarding and tiring as in I have been waiting for the doses of love each day and it does not appear today. I am worried and worried and in the end I just decided to go out and take a jog. I feel much better. But after hearing a brief description on why the doses of love does not appear today, it just gone disappear again! And now I am stranded in a love-less situation where I hate. I wish I had not given myself too much to achieve the doses of love each day. I have limit my movement on what I could do on certain time and what not. I wish I had put myself in first priority. It is not an act of selfishness, but it is an act of self-love. My dad teach me today, he went thru an incident whereby he was asked, "who do you love the most?" He answered,"my wife". well to all of us, that's what we usually do. Love the others more and that's what my dad do. He care for all of us more than he cared for himself. Well, I am going to care for myself and think about the things that I wanted to do, instead of worrying little things in my life that is not perfect and worrying about the others.

I love to watch TV series, and I just finish watching The City season 1. I am totally addicted to it. And watching Whitney working in DVF, my life is so boring. I wish I had more challenges in life. It seems that my life is pretty predictable, I want excitement! Its time to evaluate myself and plan what I wanted to do in life and not wait and let others to plan for you.

Lets continue watching The City after show and lets get inspiration there.

XOXO

Adriana